


The siege on Costco

by Laequiem



Series: Tales from the Mortal Realm [2]
Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: Crack, Entitled Parents, Funny, Grocery Shopping, Shopping, is this funny, maybe it's only funny to me, this is what this is, you know how on r/entitledparents people just make up stories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29144358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laequiem/pseuds/Laequiem
Summary: Vivienne goes to Costco with her dad.Yes, that's it.
Series: Tales from the Mortal Realm [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1992280
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	The siege on Costco

**Author's Note:**

> This is a stupid crackfic inspired by a [liveshow Holly Black and Leigh Bardugo made](https://youtu.be/ZRsbneivCAc?t=1940). Leigh said she pictured Madoc going to Costco and I never got over it. So here, have this Madoc meets r/entitledparents fic. It's probably OOC, it's stupid, enjoy.

Older siblings do not always know better.

This is the lesson that Vivienne is now learning as she watches her father argue with the butcher to buy the whole sheep he has hanging behind his window.

Jude had warned her that taking their father to shop at Costco could only go horribly wrong. Vivienne had been convinced, after an incident _allegedly_ involving Madoc and the death of a local farmer’s award-winning Jersey cow, that their father needed to learn to shop at the wholesale warehouses. If he could buy most of their essentials in the same place, the rate of incidents would go down. Oriana had her garden and a small coop, but that was not enough to feed the three of them, especially with Oak currently going through a growth spur. 

“Sir, if you don’t calm down, I will have to call security,” the butcher says, his voice calm but stern.

Vivi should have known when even Oriana refused to come with them that this was a bad idea. She sighs, grabs her father’s arm and pulls. Even in his human glamour, he is _huge_. 300 pounds of muscle and fat, a real scandinavian strongman-type with close shorn blonde hair and a goatee. Thankfully, Madoc lets her pull him away from the counter, not without a snarl towards the poor man only doing his job. When they leave, Vivi pushing the cart, she hears Heather apologize to the man, Oak in tow. 

“I just want to carve it myself,” Madoc grumbles under his breath, “I'm sick of that processed garbage."

“I know, dad, I know," Vivienne reassures him.

They could get him a hunting permit, but she doubts he would stick to the government-approved weapons. A glamour can only do so much when you see a man rip into a deer with a sword before dipping a weird crusty cap in its blood. 

As they make their way through the refrigerated aisles, Madoc grabs more blood pudding than any regular human would ever consume and tosses it in his cart. Heather cringes when he grabs a couple of rabbit carcasses, a package of chicken feet and one of pigs feet. 

“Where will he keep all of that?” Heather whispers to her girlfriend as they leave the refrigerated section of the warehouse.

“They have a huge freezer,” Vivi replies, “but I don’t think this will last him more than a week anyway.”

Heather makes _a face_. Vivienne knows how her girlfriend feels about eating meat, but Heather also knows better than to try to change Madoc’s way of life. Documentaries about the treatment of animals in slaughterhouses would only make him more likely to go out and hunt for his own food, which isn't ideal in the middle of Portland. 

For a few aisles, all goes well. They get some cans of fruits and veggies, boxed juice for Oak’s school lunches and baking essentials for Oriana. 

Oak’s eyes light up when they get to the aisle filled with candies and snacks. He bolts down the aisle with a squeal.

“Oak, wait—" Heather snaps before running after him. 

Vivienne was picking out some chips for her and Heather when Oak came back, boxes stacked in his arms. The tower was threatening to fall at any moment.

“Oak, we can’t afford that much,” Vivienne tries to reason with him, “You’ll have to put some back.”

“We can just make more money!”

The kid was starting to adapt well to the mortal world, but he was still too young to understand the value of money. Vivi was trying to set an example by using actual money to pay and not only glamoured leaves, keeping the leaves only for when she absolutely needs to. It seems like her brother did not quite understand yet.

“Oak—" Vivienne started, but was cut short as a woman approached them.

“EXCUSE ME! Is this brat yours?”

Vivienne and Madoc both turn around to face her. She is a middle-aged woman with a blonde bob. A few meters behind her, Heather stands with her arms crossed, looking completely exasperated.

“Yes," Madoc replies matter-of-factly.

“My son wanted fruit roll-ups and your brat took the last box," she says as she puts a hand on her hip.

“So?”

"Look at all he took!" she gestures wildly towards Oak, "He could share!"

Madoc looks at Oak's stash, back at the lady, then back at Oak. He holds out a hand and, with a half-hearted protest, Oak gives him the box.

"Dad," Vivienne interrupts, frowning, "you don't have to give it to her."

The redcap general looks at his daughter with a conspiratorial grin, then opens the box on the spot. One by one, he tears open the packages of fruit roll-ups and drops them on the floor. The lady gasps as she turned bright red with anger.

Once Madoc is done opening all the packages, he reaches out towards the top shelf and knocks over a row of boxes.

"There are so many options, surely your kid can find something else to eat."

"I-I… you're _insane_!" the woman blurts out, "SECURITY!"

Jude is going to laugh herself hoarse when Vivienne tells her that she was right, that this was a terrible idea. As it turns out, it is possible to get kicked out of Costco. It also turns out that they don't refund your membership when they do.

When they get back in Heather's car, Oak sulks in the backseat. 

"I wanted ice cream," he complains with an overly dramatic sigh."

Vivienne can't help the snort that comes out of her. This whole thing is surreal. Madoc sitting in the front seat, hunched over because he is too tall for Heather's small energy-efficient car. Them getting kicked out and banned from a store.

"Me too, kiddo," Vivienne replies, ruffling her brother's hair, "me too."


End file.
